Did you know that there are 2 types of boundaries?
I don’t know if that is a formal distinction, but I had a mini epiphany a few days ago that there are 2 types.
The first one is the one we are told about all the time. The one that directs your behavior with regards to other people. Many people think that boundaries are about controlling other people, but really they are about us. They tell us how to behave when someone does x, y, or z that is often in contrast with our values or how we want to be treated.
And that is what leads you to say, “No, you will not talk to/treat me/do certain things around me.”
The Boundaries We Set With Ourselves
But I realized that there should be inward-facing boundaries as well. Boundaries we set for ourselves about what we can accept, what we can tolerate in our own behavior, and maybe even how we can spend our time.
Think about it.
You can choose to decide that you will not speak to yourself in a certain way. There is a creator I found who talked about naming her internal voice Frank and genuinely stopping Frank in his tracks when he is saying nonsense. Literally saying, “WTF, Frank,” or “Shut up, Frank.”
That is an internal boundary, similar to one you would have towards someone who is speaking badly to you.
But extend it.
Deciding that you go to bed at time X is an internal boundary.
This has been something I have been thinking about a lot. I want to be someone who sleeps earlier, but it feels like my evenings can go on as long as I want. So I started thinking about what a bedtime actually is.
Turns out, it’s a boundary on my time.
I can also have habit boundaries.
I will not use my phone first thing in the morning.
I always brush my teeth before bed.
I never get into bed with clothes that have been outside.
All of these are boundaries we set for ourselves that direct our behavior and either encourage or discourage certain behaviors.
Boundaries, Habits and Discipline
For a lot of us, our lack of discipline really is a lack of boundaries with ourselves.
We always judge those parents who do not tell their kids no. Permissive parents, we call them. Of course, there is the other extreme of helicopter parenting, where you control all of your child’s behavior. Neither is a good approach.
I don’t think the goal is to control all of our behaviors and plan out every single minute of our day. But the problem is that, for some people, they go to the other extreme and plan nothing out. They have no plans, they don’t have a system for taking care of themselves, they have no routines.
And it makes sense when you think about it.
It can feel like everyone wants to direct your behavior and tell you what to do, and you don’t want to be one more director, disciplinarian.
But are there consequences to having a laissez-faire attitude towards yourself?
I think so.
The Freedom of Having Rules
I think that routines are boring, but they grant us so much freedom over time. I have observed it both in my client work and my personal life
If I know that this is how I do this. I do this at this time. Then I don’t have to make that decision every day. And I don’t have to find a time for it every day.
All I need to do is follow the plan.
There is freedom in that.
I think the solution is to leave unplanned time as well. You could plan out every minute of every day, but you don’t have to. It’s okay to have unplanned times and days. It’s okay to decide on a bare minimum and not plan for the very best every day.
So my challenge for you is this: come up with one, yes, one, internal boundary for yourself.
Now is not the time for ambition. It needs to be small and manageable.
Then, for the next few days or weeks, just practice keeping that boundary.
Here’s what I suspect will happen:
You will start trusting yourself again.
We have witnessed all the broken promises we’ve made. You know, like how you’ve decided every day to go to bed earlier or wake up earlier, or not be on your phone during a meal, or stop scrolling, or exercise.
Making promises is easy.
It’s time you start keeping those promises.
