Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

I have always wanted to be a morning person.

I am not in the least.

If anything, the most productive period of my life was when I worked between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m. I got so much done.

But for the longest time, I felt like I should be waking up earlier. Sleeping earlier. Working out more. Working harder. Starting work earlier.

And that got me thinking about how often we tell ourselves we should do something.

Whenever we tell ourselves we should be doing something, there is usually a standard behind that “should.” Sometimes it comes from a person. Sometimes it comes from society. Sometimes it comes from something we have read or heard so many times that we don’t even remember where it came from.

But somewhere along the way, we decided that this is what we should be doing. That this is the standard. The bare minimum.

We should wake up at 5 a.m.
We should exercise every day.
We should be more productive.
We should be further ahead.

And even when we start doing those things, the bar moves.

Wake up at 4:30 a.m.
Exercise for 30 minutes every day.
Study for 30 minutes every day.

Then 30 minutes becomes an hour. An hour becomes two. And eventually, somehow, you’re looking at people studying for 10 hours a day and wondering if you’re doing enough.

It just never ends.

There is always another version of you that you could be.

Who told you that you should?

Let me make this clear: I am not saying that we should not strive for more or better, or that all comparison is, in essence, bad. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself.

The question is: are you improving because you genuinely want to, or because you’ve convinced yourself that you should?

Because if your entire life is lived in comparison to other people or some perceived standard of what you should be doing, what are the chances that you are chasing a goal you will never actually feel like you have achieved?

Take the morning-person thing.

I know there was the 5 AM Club, and so many people were talking about how you should do those three 20-minute exercises when you wake up at 5 a.m. I had a friend who used to wake up at 4:30 a.m. every day.

It sounded so appealing in theory.

First of all, the bragging rights alone. I don’t think I would let anyone go without bragging about my very early mornings.

But more than that, I would think about the silence. I would have so much done by the time I was usually awake, anywhere between 7 and 9 a.m.

And there’s still a part of me that would love to be anything but a zombie before 6 a.m.

But I have accepted that it will likely never happen, and if it does, it will come with so much sacrifice that I’m not sure it’s worth it.

And maybe that’s okay.

Baby steps are still steps.

When a baby takes their first steps, everyone celebrates.

And this isn’t even counting all the things we celebrate before that: crawling, pulling themselves up against walls and tables, walking with support, holding someone’s hand, taking a few shaky steps, and eventually firmer steps.

And soon, you’re shouting at them to stop running and climbing around the house. jh

We never fault a baby for how long they take.

If anything, if a baby is taking too long to walk, we get them help. We give them support. We find a way to help them get there.

When it comes to ourselves, we don’t extend ourselves nearly enough grace.

And I know what you’re thinking: “I am an adult. I am not a child.”

But so what?

A new skill is a new skill, and it’s okay if it’s a skill that’s new to you.

If you’ve never been a morning person, for example, then you’re allowed to start with 10 minutes earlier than what you used to. And it’s okay if you do that for a few days or weeks until it feels normal before you adjust it again.

The same goes for any other skill.

It’s okay if you’re learning to skip rope and you keep hitting yourself and you’re dying out of breath at minute one.
It’s okay if you go to the gym and start with the bar if you’ve never lifted weights.
It’s okay if that is all you do for a while.
It’s okay to start small.

I think the strive shouldn’t be for perfection but for progress and for consistency. However that looks for you.

Because progress doesn’t have to look impressive to anyone else.

Maybe waking up 10 minutes earlier is progress for you.
Maybe studying for 30 minutes is progress.
Maybe getting to the gym and doing one exercise is progress.
Maybe doing something badly, consistently, is progress.
And maybe the thing you need to stop doing is measuring your progress against someone else’s finish line.

What if progress is enough?

The goal isn’t necessarily to become the person who wakes up at 4:30 a.m. just because someone else does. The goal is to figure out what your version of progress looks like.

There are millions of coulds, woulds, and shoulds in the world.

Maybe it’s time you start asking yourself where they came from.

Who imposed them?

And do you really need to maintain them?

I know for myself, I am giving up the quest to be a morning person.

What quest do you need to give up?